PREGNANT! (May-August 2011)

The best way to cover this next time period is to just copy the emails I sent out. These show how I truly felt and how I shared our news with some of our closest friends.

Monday, June 13, 11:05 AM
Ladies-

I could use prayer. I took a home pregnancy test which came back positive. I already knew this from how my body has felt.

Today I have had some light “spotting” which my nurse told me can be a side effect of one of my medicines (after having used it for a period of time). I also have some cramping and I feel like [my symptoms of being pregnant] are lessening. This could be paranoia from our experiences, but rather than speculate what’s going on, I prefer to pray about it and ask for peace, no matter what is going on.

Tomorrow is my official blood pregnancy test, which if positive, will be followed by an additional test on Thursday which would show if my levels are doubling in order to sustain a pregnancy. The way I feel right now, I feel like we need another miracle!

Thank you all!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011, 5:01 PM

Well friends-

We got our test results this afternoon. We are definitely pregnant! If my BETA level is at 5 or above, it shows a positive pregnancy. At this point, they want to see 50 or higher. My level….657!

Now, I had a rough day yesterday, and felt like my body was beginning to miscarry again. We are asking for your fervent prayers. On Thursday we test again. If my levels increase, we are in great shape.
Ideally, they should be 1100 or higher. If the levels decrease, we
know we have lost another pregnancy.

Last night when I could not sleep, God placed the following verse on my heart:
“Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Please pray that we (especially me) would not be troubled or afraid. Also pray for our baby/babies because as of today, we are certain we are pregnant.

Much love,
Shannon

Date: Thu, Jun 16, 2011 10:21 pm

So this morning in my devotions, the same verse I put in my previous email was part of my devotional book. Then I get hit with this: Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. -George Seaton

My blood test was at 8 am, and finally at 4:15 we heard results.
Levels on Tuesday: 657
Levels that would be good today: 1100
My levels today….. 1599!!!!

I’m not counting my children before they hatch, but friends, today we are pregnant. No promises for tomorrow or the day after, but I will praise God that today we are! I truly felt your prayers, especially yesterday. I cannot thank you enough!

Date: Fri, Aug 12, 2011 1:14 pm
To My Church Family, (the church I attended as a child and where my parents still attend)

I wanted to send out a prayer/praise! After a long struggle with infertility, my husband Mike & I are 12 1/2 weeks pregnant with twins!
We are asking for prayer for the rest of the pregnancy. We are due somewhere around the end of Jan/beginning of Feb. Since it is twins, it’s considered high risk. So we ask for protection over our precious little miracles. Please also pray for our children to grow into children who love the Lord with all their hearts, minds, and strength. This is our hearts’ desire. We are so thankful to have a church here in Atlanta which has a strong foundation in Jesus Christ in which to bring up these little ones.
We are so thankful, also, for the body of Christ which we believe has had a hand in praying these little ones into existance. We trust, we’ll be lifted in prayer for the remainder of our pregnancy! Thank you so much.

With Thanks,
Mike & Shannon (Swinburne) Faust

In August, I had no idea how high risk this pregnancy would be…

Colorado! (April/May 2011)

I am writing this almost a year after the fact.  I am using emails I sent, paperwork I have saved, and my memory, which is not as great as it used to be.  I want to get it written before all of the memories fade.  I can always go back and color this post with better wording and a more creative approach, but I really want to get to more recent events before those too are a year past.  I believe it’s important to keep a good record of this journey that I never want to forget.  So forgive my lack of creativity and the dry facts in this post.

Once a donor has been chosen, both the donor and the recipient need to begin taking medications to get both women in sync, cycle-wise. Believe it or not, when we chose our donor, she and I were already in sync. What this did was sped up the process and allowed us to have the egg retrieval (where they take the eggs from her) and embryo transfer (after they place the sperm in the eggs and create embryos, they transfer them, or place them inside of me and see if they implant, thus creating a positive pregnancy) within a month. This was absolutely amazing! Again, we felt that things were perfectly in place.

We went out to Colorado on a Monday with appointments during the day on Tuesday.  We knew that our  donor was there in the building.  My husband and I had sort of mixed emotions.  My husband wished that he could just see her- maybe just catch a glimpse.  I, on the other hand, wished I could have a quick conversation with her to let her know how truly appreciative I am for this amazing gift she was giving to our family.  The gift was not children, at  least not yet.  The gift was hope- a chance at having children.  This was something we did not have on our own.

We were thrilled to find out that with our egg donor in Colorado we would be allowed to give our thanks to her through gift and/or letter.  This was something that my husband and I had to think about.  We could buy her a nice sentimental gift, but she might not want a constant reminder of this.  We were fortunate that on her profile, she indicated that she really liked flowers.  We decided to give her flowers and a letter rather than a gift which she might not wish to have.  Part of me still wonders if we should have given her a token of sorts, something that lasts longer than flowers.  We gave her a hand written card, a baby pictures of my husband and me as well as a picture of our two beagles, and the following letter with a copy of this blog attached.

Dear Friend,

I’ve kept track of our fertility journey to share with our friends & family as well as to one day share with our child(ren) if we are so blessed.  I thought I would send you a copy in case you were wondering how we got to where we are.  You now are part of this story.  Soon, I’ll sit back down and write where we are now, how we chose you, and what happens during this chapter of the story.  I understand if you don’t wish to read this, but I thought I would at least give you the option to glance into the story which we hope you will one day be a very important factor.

I truly cannot thank you enough.

-A Thankful Heart

We made sure to get pictures of the building, pictures with our doctor, and pictures with our nurse, Christina.  We felt that if this works, we would want for our child to see and know all of the important people who made this possible.  We were going to get a picture taken with the donor’s nurse also, but she was not available on the day we stopped by.  Our nurse let us know what a great match our donor and I were.  She indicated that there are some matches that are ok, but that ours could not have been more perfect.

Tuesday, April 30, 2011 our donor gave us 18 eggs.  Out of those, 14 matured and on Wednesday we had 13 embryos.  Sunday, May 5, 2011 at 8:20 AM, we were to arrive at CCRM and have acupuncture followed by our day 5 transfer.  This transfer experience was different from any other we had been through.  Most different was that my husband was in the room with me the entire time.  The morning began with Valium and acupuncture, both of which made me completely relaxed.  After this, the embryologist arrived.  We had 7 embryos and decided to transfer two.  The embryologist asked us numerous times if we were sure that we wanted to transfer both.  He informed us that the quality of them was so great that there would be a high chance of both implanting and we would end up with twins.  We were certain we wanted both transferred.  After our discussion, he projected a magnified image of our embryos onto the wall for me to verify my name, making sure that these embryos were truly mine.  This was one of the most amazing moments I have experienced!   I was actually able to see my embryos…my babies!  How many women get this opportunity?  I was able to see my babies as double-digit celled embryos!  I am kicking myself now for not telling my husband to grab the camera and take a photo.  What I wouldn’t give to have that picture! 

We watched via ultrasound as our embryos were transferred. The acupuncturist returned to do a second round, and then we were released to go back to our hotel room where I would remain on bedrest for the next two days.

Choosing Our Donor (April 2011)

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

There are times when I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Times I have felt that if I didn’t make the right choice, the world might crash down around me. It reminds me of the “choose your own adventure” books I used to read as a child. If I made the wrong choice, the story ended as I was eaten by a lion! Unfortunately, it seemed that I always made that one wrong decision and UGH!! I’d have to start the whole adventure again. That’s how I felt with making these ever so important decisions regarding my future children. How would I ever know which donor to choose? How would I know that it was the right one? After all, God doesn’t shine a light down on the computer and the angels don’t sing in harmony when I find the right donor! So how would I ever know?

Well, in April 2011, God spoke to us in a very clear and evident way. No, there was no Hallelujah Chorus, nor was there a blinding light that hit me when the right donor was found, but my husband and I became completely like minded, and an undeniable list illuminated the right path for us.

Once we made the choice to use an egg donor again, I jumped on the website for our sperm bank. Our donor, who had been sold out for quite some time, was back on the list with available sperm to purchase! We felt we were on the right path from the start. The next step was to choose our egg donor.

Our fertility clinic had an egg donor database. We decided that was the best choice because our clinic has such strict regulations for being a donor at their facility. We knew that anyone in their database would be fine to use, rather than choosing a donor through an agency and then hoping that they pass all of the testing required by CCRM.

I started my list of favorite donors, as did my husband. From our two lists we had 4 or 5 that we both agreed upon. I had my favorite donor, mostly based on her smile. My husband was not as sold on one particular donor yet. My husband, the detail oriented person that he is, started looking through the profiles with a fine toothed comb. We finally had it down to two donors: my favorite smile donor and one other. So, as Mr. Details is looking through the profiles he says, “You need to just listen to this,” and he proceeded to start reading off parts of the profile. I felt like I was listening to someone talking about me!

She’s 5’2″, blue eyes, brown hair. I’m 5’0″, blue eyes, brown hair.
She ran track and cross country in high school–so did I.
She volunteers at her church–I’m a middle school small group leader.
She is a reading tutor–I stopped teaching elementary school and became a tutor.
She grew up in a house with her siblings, and her parents still live in that house–same is true for me.
She met her same age neighbor when she was five. They are still friends. I had the same experience.
She loved to play house and Barbies as a child. Ask my sister how obsessed with Barbies I was!
She was the easiest going of her siblings. I am still the most easy going of all 5 of us.
Her favorite book is Nicholas Sparks’ The Notebook. Sparks is my favorite author, and The Notebook is my favorite of his books.

After looking at the list of personality similarities, we knew we had our perfect, God chosen donor! Our next step was to get the two of us in sync so that we could do a transfer in the next few months.

A New Beginning (December 2010-February 2011)

We were yet again sitting with a blank page. Exciting because we get to start again. At the same time, a little frustrating because we never imagined that we’d need to begin a second time. We did our research, and finally decided to do consultations with four new and talk to our old clinic again before moving ahead with anything else.
We were hoping that someone would suggest some testing before we moved forward. With two miscarriages, one ectopic, and one failed attempt, we thought it would be smart to make sure there was no reason we might not be able to carry a pregnancy to full term. Out of the five clinic we talked to, two of them said, “Let’s see if we can figure out why you keep miscarrying.” Finally! Someone saw things the same way we did. And like that, we went from five possible clinics down to two.

When trying to decide between the two clinics, we went back and forth a few times. Although one of the two clinics was right down the street from where we lived, we chose The Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine, CCRM. Our decision was not an easy one. Why travel across the country when we can have a doctor right in our backyard? For this we have our friend “G” to thank. G and her husband had used CCRM to get their miracle baby. She told me how impressed she was with the whole facility. She also suggested going out to CO to do their mandatory testing and after that, we could take the results they gave us and chose which ever clinic we wanted to use. G was completely right! Once we went out there and actually met the staff and saw the facility, we were certain, this was the place for us. After months of prayers, appointments, and some testing, we finally decided on our clinic. Nearly twenty-four hours away, but one of the top clinics in the country, we decided to work with Dr. G and our amazing nurse “C”.

Once we had decided on our clinic, we had one more vitally important decision. Should we/ could we use our own eggs & sperm, or do we go with donors again? Blood test after blood test, poked, and prodded, and lots of prayer, we had our answer. Our doctor called us with all of our results. There was absolutely no reason we could not carry our own children. There was no reason we shouldn’t be able to use our own DNA. However, due to the quality of my eggs, our chances of having a positive pregnancy would be 50% or less. If we wanted to use donor, we would have 80% + chance. Both my husband and I clearly saw the writing on the wall. Having babies that were genetically ours was not the issue. We wanted to have a baby. We also knew that a) we might only get one shot at it if we used our own DNA, where as using a donor, we should have plenty of embryos to work with and b) we did not qualify for the shared risk program. The shared risk is where we would pay a little bit more, but we were guaranteed to bring home a baby with 3 attempts covered. If we did not, we would get all of our money back. When we knew we did not qualify, we knew that our chances were slim if we went that route. Amazingly, both my husband and I felt the same way, using a donor was the best choice for us.

Does chosing a donor show a lack of faith on our part? If we had complete trust in God, shouldn’t we have gone with our own eggs & sperm? This is where I think my faith is a bit different. I believe God gives us discernment. I know God gave me a mind of my own and His Holy Spirit is within me. I do not believe that trusting in God means that I need to always take the riskier road. I feel that when I have absolute peace, when my husband and I are on the same page, and when an answer just makes more sense, God is speaking very clearly. So we had our decision which we knew had been God ordained, and we were yet again preparing to attempt to grow our family. This time, however, the journey would take us far from home but surrounded by an army of prayer warriors.

History: “Give Thanks in ALL Circumstance” (November 2010)

I’ve had experiences in my life where I’ve heard a story, a phrase, an example…a verse-so many times that I can’t even count.  I believe I know the meaning behind it, and therefore, don’t really need to focus on it because I have “already learned that.”  Then every now and again, I crash right into that story, phrase, example, or verse only to realize, sure I had heard it, but I did not have a complete and true understanding of what it meant.  This entry explains what I mean.

November 2010 -We were preparing for our final embryo transfer.  I had shared with my small group bible study that I really felt numb, and without hope.  The women of the group encouraged me to not be discouraged and to keep faith that God would indeed be faithful.  I believed I was putting up my guard so that I would not be too disappointed if we miscarried a 4th time.

My husband and I traveled to our out-of-state fertility clinic for the procedure.  Although I was only required to be on bed rest for the rest of that day, we decided not to take any chances and I remained on bed rest for TWO days!  AH HA!  We had the upper hand now!  We sure did know how to make a little embryo implant and stay in place!

By this time, it was no surprise to me when God placed a verse on my heart.  I was waiting for it this time.  How would He encourage me through this pregnancy?  This time, however, the message was slightly different.

James 1:2-4  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. “

‘ARE YOU KIDDING ME, GOD?! ’ I immediately thought, ‘Waaaait!  That’s not God!  That’s me, and my lack of faith.  I need to just listen a little more closely for what God has for me, and make sure that I am not putting those thoughts there.”  Funny thing about it, I didn’t sit and listen for another verse at that moment.  Instead I relied on what He had told me before, “Be still, and know that I am God.”  Amazing how the very same verse doesn’t give the same peace that it once did .  This time, it was coming from me rather than from God.  I knew the truth….oh, I knew.

Still in denial,  I took about 6 at home pregnancy tests, all negative.  I would try to recall when I had gotten the positive results in the past, and told myself that I must be taking the at home tests too early.  The morning before I was to have my blood test, and my at home test was still negative, I finally faced the truth.  Our last little glimmer of hope was no more.

I got in the shower and began to think.  I do some of my very best thinking in the shower, some of the most meaningful praying as well.  Usually when I pray, I do all the talking.  This particular morning God had something to say to me.  For the first time in weeks, I was ready to listen.  “Pray continually; give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”  The words resonated.  Give THANKS in ALL circumstances.  I had memorized this verse as a child.  I had breezed over the impactful message behind these five simple words.  Give thanks in ALL circumstances.  I fell to my knees and began to weep.  I prayed the most powerful honest prayer of my adult life.

“Oh God!  You have made it very clear to me what I am to do.  I THANK you and PRAISE you that I am not pregnant with this precious embryo.  I do not thank you for what you will do through this.  I do not thank you for what you will teach me in the midst of this.  I thank you because you have clearly said, Give Thanks: no questions, no because, no promises.  I thank you.”

In my Christian walk, I’ve so often believed that “everything happens for a reason” and that when something bad happens it’s because God has something better planned.  On that November morning, I collided face first into a wall of reality.  I might not ever know why this embryo didn’t take.  Am I ok with that?  God’s plan for my life might not ever be as clear in my eyes as a well scripted movie.  I can thank God for what He will do through this, but what if there really isn’t anything He does through this.  What if it just is.  Am I still willing to praise Him and thank Him? 

That morning I learned what it meant to give thanks in ALL circumstances without any clauses: just straight up, give thanks.  If I could give thanks when I didn’t get pregnant, I could give thanks in ANY circumstance without any expectations of something good coming my way. 

Today as I write this, I am still without a child.  I have no guarantees that I will ever be a mom.  And I am not looking for sympathy, nor pity.  I’m truly at peace with whatever happens.  I am awfully happy in my life right now, so if this is as good as it gets, I’m a blessed woman.  But if I am one day graced with that honor of becoming a mother, oh how beautiful will my thanks be then!  And my heart will overflow with a different joy than I have ever experienced.  

Even still, God deserves my thanks no matter what my circumstances are.

History: For I Know The Plans I Have For You…(May 2010-September 2010)

Healing after my ectopic pregnancy surgery was a process, but I got through it.  Now, I have a scar which looks similar to a c-section scar.  I assume it does, but since I’ve not actually had a c-section, I can’t truly be certain. 

It has not even been a year since this all occurred, but I can honestly say that I hardly even notice the scar anymore.  It’s not a constant reminder of a lost baby.  It’s not an embarrassment.  No one sees it out in public, so it’s honestly up to me to decide what it means to me.  I’ve decided, it’s really not that big of a deal.  And why should it be?  My life has a purpose, with or without children.  If I get so hung up on a blemish on my body, I will certainly miss out on the beauty and blessing surrounding me.  I choose joy! 

In the meantime, my husband and I had relocated about six hours away to a new city and state.  We immediately got involved in a church and a small group.  We also had another embryo transfer in August, and yet again, God clearly placed a verse on my heart. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I took an at home pregnancy test which came back positive.  The blood test confirmed that we were pregnant, but when I went back for the second blood test, disappointment–we were no longer…. Another failed attempt.  Another child to join my ever-growing army of babies in heaven.  Yes, we were extremely disappointed, but at the same time there was a peace.  The verse was on my heart, in my mind, and I repeated the words over and over, “God has plans for me.  He knows those plans.  His plans are to give me HOPE & a FUTURE.”  I held strong to this promise. 

We were left with one final embryo.  One last attempt.  This final time, we chose not to tell anyone in our families.  It had gotten too difficult to share rollercoaster ride of excitement to disappointment, to answer the many questions everyone had,  and probably most difficult, repeating the dreaded news again and again.  We decided on our final attempt we would keep things private.  With many prayers, but not a whole lot of hope, we prepared for our baby to join our family.

History: Back to Square one…”Be Still” (January 2010-May 2010)

Square one…I’m not sure where the expression came from, but we were back at it.  If “square one” is similar to getting sent back to start in a game of Candy Land, then why is it that we are so disappointed when we get there.  Isn’t the fun of the game, moving along the board?  Experiencing the journey?  Once someone finally gets to the end, sure they win, but then the game is over.  The board gets put back into the box then to the top shelf of the closet.  It gets brought back out when fun is wanted again.  Looking at it that way, square one doesn’t really seem so bad. 

In our fertility journey, we were back to square one.  Back at our clinic, a recommendation was made to try a fresh cycle using donor eggs & donor sperm.  We were told this was our greatest chance of getting pregnant.  It was much more expensive than the donor embryos, but as we found out the hard way, sometimes, you get what you pay for. 

We worked with an amazing nurse, ”N”.  She helped us choose our egg donor.  Our donor, she told us, had a personality very similar to mine.  That was important to us, especially since we had very little to go by with only one baby picture, which we got a glimpse of once or twice, and a written description.  Certainly, we wanted someone who had similar features to my husband and me, but we realized that someone with a good heart was more important to us.

Once we chose our egg donor, we had to find a sperm donor.  That was a completely different story.  The bank we used had so much information!  Some donors had not only baby pictures, but adult also.  Some had an option where we could hear the donor speak and answer questions about himself.  We had a few donors who we liked.  There was one who had features so similar to my husband that it was a bit eerie!  The only reason we did not choose that donor was because he had not opted to do the identity disclosure.  This states that as of right now,  the donor is willing to let any future children know his identity when the child turns 18.  We felt this was very important for our child to at least have the option of knowing who the donor is, for curiosity as well as medical reasons.  We finally decided on the perfect donor.  I feel like I know our little donor!   I have pictures of him.  I know his shoe size, his SAT scores, his high school GPA.  We are so thankful for him!  We purchased our two vials and were ready for what seemed to be a very promising opportunity to finally become parents.

We decided to do a split donor egg cycle.  This means that they would harvest eggs from our donor and we would get half, and another woman would get half.  Our donor had already donated 3 times prior, each a split cycle.  Out of the six women who had used those eggs, only one did not get pregnant.  All five of the others were either pregnant or had a child from those eggs!  Great odds, right? 

The eggs were harvested, and combined with our donor sperm.  We had 8 embryos to work with.  Out of those eight, 5 of them we viable.   Two were ready to be transferred while the last three would be frozen in straws.  Two in one straw, and one alone in the last.  They took the two quality embryos and would transfer those fresh (not frozen).  The morning of my transfer, I arrived and found my doctor was unavailable to perform the procedure, so another doctor did the transfer instead.  No problems at all, back home, went on bed rest for the rest of the day, more hopeful than ever!

I’m not one who is real good at waiting.  Although I was told that taking at home pregnancy tests was not a good idea, I didn’t want to wait!  I took the test, approximately a week after the transfer, with positive results!  A few days later, a blood test confirmed, we were indeed pregnant!  Two days later, I would have a second blood test to be sure that my levels were increasing, and a week later we would have our first ultrasound.   Days after the positive test, I began spotting.  I wasn’t too terribly worried.  The nurses had all said that spotting was fairly normal.  Still, my natural instinct was to pray for my precious little baby.  God laid on my heart a very clear verse.  “Be still, and know that I am God.”  Every time I began to worry, I would repeat the verse over and over again.  It kept me calm, and reminded me that God is God, He is in control, and He certainly didn’t suddenly forget about me in the midst of all of this.

Our ultrasound day came along, only to find that there was no baby.  Either we had already lost this one, or the baby had implanted in my fallopian tube, an ectopic pregnancy.  I was to come back the next morning to take a pill which would end the pregnancy in case it was a tubal pregnancy. 

That evening, I wasn’t feeling quite right.  I decided to go to bed early, but when I got in bed, I couldn’t get comfortable.  Every position I turned  just didn’t feel right, and I couldn’t exactly pinpoint what was wrong.  I didn’t think it was pain, but it was major discomfort, discomfort to the point of tears.  Looking back on it, perhaps that is pain!  The only place I felt comfortable was in a hot bath.  So, I sat in a hot bath, while my husband called our fertility clinic.  We were told to drive immediately to the ER and our doctor would meet us there.

Sure enough, I did have an ectopic pregnancy, and my right fallopian tube had ruptured.  We felt so fortunate that our doctor met us at the ER close to midnight.  He got us back in about 10 minutes, he used his own ultrasound equipment, got me into the operating room in record time, while speaking so calmly, that I had absolutely no worries at all.  Dr. W, with his amazingly calm demeanor, relayed the same message God had been speaking to me, “Be Still.”  There was nothing  I could do, so worrying would not do me any good.  But I was very aware, we had lost yet another baby.  Although I was gaining rather huge colony of children in the afterlife, my husband and I still would not hold a baby in our arms for some time.

Be still.  Sometimes it means calm your emotions, your soul.  Then sometimes quite literally, Be still, stay in a hospital room for a few days and allow your body to heal.  In this case, I learned both.  I learned how to be still, and most importantly, KNOW that God is God.

History: Our Fertility Journey Begins With Drugs & Donors (embryos)

How our journey began:

I always knew that conceiving would be difficult.  This may be because my first visit to an ob-gyn told me this, it may be that as women, we know our bodies better than we’d like to admit, who knows.  When my husband & I finally decided “Let’s try to have children”, we knew it would not happen the next month, but we certainly didn’t expect to still be sitting where we are four years later. 

We have tried Clomid & Femara only to discover that there were not only female factors but also complications with my husband.  If anyone is reading this and is having trouble conceiving and the husband has not had a semen analysis, I highly recommend it.  Don’t waste two years assuming you know the problem, like we did. 

After those wasted cycles, we were sent to our first fertility clinic where we were informed of our options and walked away believing that adoption was the only way we could bring children into our happy home.  We completed a homestudy and prepared to adopt.  However, something in my heart indicated that adoption was not the right choice for us at that time.   We have friends who had been down the same sort of path we had.  They recommended we ask if our clinic had a donor embryo program.  This was something we had never heard of, but sounded like an option we’d like to pursue.

Donor embryos are embryos from other couples who have had IVF (In Vetro Fertilization) and who have decided not to transfer any more.  What an amazing concept!  Someone who is finished with her family donates her extra embryos for couples like us who cannot use our own egg & sperm.  So we found the perfect match for us!  There was a batch of 9 embryos that we bought.  My donor had brown hair and brown eyes!  I’d always wanted a baby with brown eyes, but knew that since I have blue eyes and my husband has hazel, brown eyes were out of the question.  By this miracle, I was going to have my brown-eyed baby!  I was convinced that this was going to be our baby!  Nine embryos!!  That would be enough to have one baby now, and plenty to try again with in the future! 

We had our date set to have our embryo transfer.  Monday morning, transferring two day five embryos!  We happened to be out-of-state and had to fly home early from a family trip for our procedure.  Monday morning arrived!  I was up, getting dressed, ready to start the new season of our lives, ready to be pregnant.  Our phone rang with alarming news, they had taken seven of our nine little babies trying to get 2 of them prepared to transfer, none of them survived!  In one moment, our dreams came crashing down.  We were told that the chances of none of the embryos surviving were slim to none!  “That just doesn’t happen,” we were told.  Well, as we would find, our little family beats the odds in way more ways than we’d like, but not in a good way.  In one moment, I lost 7 babies, lost hope in being able to get pregnant, lost my joy of seeing that brown-eyed baby of mine, and immediately had a picture of my heavenly Father surrounded by my darling unborns. 

This would be the first of many disappointing realities of our fertility journey.  There’s nothing simple about it, and it’s not at all our plan.  God has a plan that is more perfect than what we plan for ourselves.  We quickly learned patience & trust.  We only see a corner of the picture, where our Lord sees the finished product.  Once I was able to realize that, things truly got better.

A month later we took our last 2 remaining embryos and transferred them.  Amazingly, one implanted and we were pregnant!  My dream of my brown-eyed baby was one step closer again!  We had our first ultrasound, saw the precious little heartbeat, and even took home the picture of our first baby, our first pregnancy, our first glimmer of hope!  Our next ultrasound was scheduled the following week.  If we could make it one more week, we were told, our chance of miscarriage would decrease by 50%. 

That weekend we were again with family while my husband was running a half marathon.  Our trip was cut short, again, with an unexpected trip to the ER.  In the ER on Saturday night, we saw our baby’s slow beating heart.  We prayed for a miracle, but realizing that we both knew what was happening.  By the time we got to our Fertility Clinic on Sunday morning, our little brown-eyed gift had joined his siblings in the arms of Christ. 

A week later, I had my D&E, and we were back to square one.  We had no more embryos, we could not get pregnant on our own, but we knew, with all of our hearts, those babies were just not the ones who would grace us with their presence here on earth. 

It’s absolutely amazing how God brought us through all of this with a spirit of hope rather than discouragement.  We had nothing to hold onto except Him and His promise, “I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.”  We sat with no idea where to go, what steps to take, and yet KNEW, this journey was not yet complete.

Cinderella Got Her Happy Ending….

I’m a girly-girl. I always have been. As a child, I enjoyed getting dressed up, singing in front of my bathroom mirror with my little sister, playing with Barbies, and reading fairy tales before going to bed. I don’t think my upbringing was unusual. In fact, I think I sort of fit in the category of being the “norm”.

I guess from that upbringing, I’ve sort of gotten a false sense of security. I always assumed I’d get my “happily ever after,” which of course is everything I’ve ever wanted and life would be perfect. Now, no longer that little girl, I don’t believe it’s quite that simple.

My husband & I have been dealing with infertility for many years now. I know we aren’t the only ones. I have found, however, that there are very few places online or even in books, which deal with fertility treatments using both donor eggs as well as donor sperm. I’ve found even less from the Christian point of view.  So here I sit, hoping to find others who can relate.

I don’t want to make this first blog too long, as I’m just starting out, and would like to see where this all goes. But going into our 4th year of fertility treatments and still no baby in my arms, I do wonder if happy endings are only for the storybooks. Or perhaps my definition of fairy tale endings needs to change.

What happens if I change my persepective and decide that whatever happens CAN be my happy ending? What if not getting pregnant is the reason to cheer and have a grand ball? Can I have joy in the midst of utter disappointment?

This blog will be my journey, and I hope someone follows along to join me on it. What will my happy ending story be when the last word is written, and the pencil gets put back into the desk? Join me, and let’s find out!

-S